I have had it with the airport security checks. They make us remove more and more clothing, while letting us take less and less on board. Soon we'll be shelling out $1000 for the privilege of traveling naked in a three-foot caged pen. We won't be allowed to eat, drink, or pee during the flight. Communication will be prohibited, except for furtive glances with the flight attendants -- who, incidentally, will be robots with tasers.

I don't care about terrorists. You know why? LIFE INVOLVES RISK. The only way of making air travel completely safe is to BAN FLYING. The "zero risk" game is unwinnable, and the only people that lose are us, in the form of our civil liberties. Every time I'm asked to remove another piece of clothing at the airport security check, I go nuts. But quietly, lest they probe my bum-bum.

My question was this: are the security checks really any more effective? To find out, I decided to re-enact the classic scene from the 1974 movie This is Spinal Tap, where bassist Derek Smalls puts a foil-lined cucumber down his pants, which is picked up by the security wand. Only I decided to go one better, by putting a buzzing vibrator down my pants.

I went out and bought a plain Jane vibrator, the kind that everyone in America has next to their bed. In Scandinavia, I'm told, the average household has more exciting vibrators, molded into the shapes of fantastic mythological creatures, in bold hues such as magenta and hot pink. In America, it's always this:


I went into the airport lavatory and quietly stuffed the vibe down my pants, which did not look as obvious as you might think.




I set it humming and calmly approached the security gate.







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